Have you ever worked with someone who talked a big game but never walked the walk?
Yeah, me too. And let me tell you: it’s exhausting.
Here’s the thing: people can smell inauthenticity from a mile away. They know when your words don’t match your actions. They feel it when you’re preaching something you’ve never actually lived.
I learned this lesson the hard way during a week that tested everything I thought I knew about leadership and communication.
The Week That Changed Everything
A few years ago, I was knee-deep in CPO (Chief Petty Officer) Season: that intense period where Navy Selectees prepare to pin on their anchors and become Chiefs. It’s a rite of passage, a crucible that separates those who are ready from those who aren’t.
And I had a problem.
One Selectee in particular just wasn’t getting it. Day after day, I watched him go through the motions without any real engagement. No growth. No progress. No emotion. It was like talking to a wall.
I wrote in my journal: “Why is this selectee going through season if he doesn’t want to participate?”
Harsh? Maybe.
But here’s what I was really wrestling with: How do you reach someone who doesn’t seem to want to be reached?
The Quote That Hit Different
That same week, I came across a quote that stopped me in my tracks:
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
Read that again.
It wasn’t about my knowledge. It wasn’t about my experience or my rank or my credentials. It was about connection. It was about whether the people I was trying to lead actually believed I gave a damn about them.
And that’s when it clicked.
I’d been so focused on what I was teaching that I forgot about who I was reaching. I was communicating information, but I wasn’t communicating care.
The I-IMPACT Communication Pillar
This is where the Communication pillar of the I-IMPACT framework comes in. Communication isn’t just about what you say: it’s about the message you embody.
Here’s what I realized that week:
- You are the message you communicate to others.
- You need to live your message before you give it. Otherwise, you probably shouldn’t communicate it!
- Build relationships before you need them.
See the pattern?
Authentic communication starts with YOU. Not your words. Not your presentations. Not your frameworks.
YOU.
Go First, Lead by Example
One of the most powerful shifts in my leadership that week came from a simple principle: Go first and lead by example. Don’t ask people to do what you haven’t done or aren’t willing to do.
Think about it. How can you ask someone to be vulnerable if you’ve never shown vulnerability? How can you demand commitment when you’re not fully committed yourself?
Authentic leaders don’t stand on the sidelines shouting instructions. They get in the arena. They sweat. They struggle. They show their teams that they’re willing to do the hard work too.
That week, I was balancing:
- Physical Training (PT) sessions with the Naval Officers (Wardroom).
- Transition Assistance Program (TAPs) Boots 2 Business classes for my transition out of the military.
- Calls with mentors and potential business partners.
- Family time with my wife and daughters.
- Church and spiritual growth.
- And yes, cleaning floors and vacuuming rooms (because leadership doesn’t exempt you from household duties).
I wasn’t just talking about balance, growth, and intentionality. I was living it: imperfectly, but authentically.
The Final Night Breakthrough
Then came September 26th. Final Night.
For those unfamiliar with CPO Season, Final Night is the culmination of weeks of training, testing, and transformation. It’s emotional. It’s intense. It’s where everything comes together.
I arrived during one of the crucial events. And something incredible happened.
That Selectee: the one who had shown zero emotion, zero engagement all season: finally broke.
He cried.
For the first time, he showed real emotion. He finally gave a damn.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal that night: “Selectee cried, showing his first emotion and give a damn moment all season. Seemed like it turned things around as I did not get good news from how he was earlier in the day. All got Accepted.”
What changed? I don’t think it was any single speech or lesson. I think it was the cumulative effect of authentic leadership: of people who lived their message, who cared enough to push him, and who built a relationship that finally broke through his walls.
The Framework: Living Your Message
So how do you actually live your message? Here’s a practical framework:
1. Know Your Values (Before You Share Them)
You can’t communicate what you don’t understand. What do you actually stand for? What principles guide your decisions when no one’s watching?
2. Audit Your Actions
Are your daily behaviors aligned with the message you’re preaching? If you’re telling your team to prioritize family, are you prioritizing yours? If you’re talking about growth, are you actively growing?
3. Go First
Whatever you’re asking of others, do it first. Be vulnerable first. Take the risk first. Show the way, don’t just point to it.
4. Build Relationships Before You Need Results
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Invest in genuine connection before you need something from someone.
5. Accept Imperfection
Living your message doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being honest about your struggles while staying committed to your values.
The Real Question
Here’s what I want you to sit with:
What message are you communicating through your life: not your words?
Because here’s the truth: your team, your family, your clients… they’re watching. They’re not just listening to what you say. They’re observing how you live.
And when those two things align? That’s when real influence happens. That’s when breakthroughs occur. That’s when that disengaged Selectee finally cries because he finally gets it.
From Drift to Intentional Legacy
Too many leaders are drifting. They’re going through the motions, saying the right things, but not living them. They’re wondering why their teams aren’t engaged, why their message isn’t landing, why nothing seems to stick.
The answer isn’t a better script. It’s a better example.
Don’t let your impact end the moment you stop speaking.
Your legacy isn’t built on what you say in meetings or post on LinkedIn. It’s built on who you are when no one’s watching. It’s built on the relationships you nurture, the example you set, and the message you live every single day.
Your Next Step
So here’s my challenge to you:
This week, pick ONE area where your words and actions aren’t aligned. Just one. And commit to closing that gap.
Maybe it’s your health: you talk about wellness but haven’t exercised in weeks. Maybe it’s your relationships: you preach connection but haven’t had a real conversation with your spouse in days. Maybe it’s your growth: you encourage learning but haven’t read a book in months.
Whatever it is, go first. Lead by example. Live your message.
Because authentic leadership doesn’t start with your team. It doesn’t start with your title or your expertise.
It starts with you.
Ready to align your message with your actions? Take the Alignment Assessment to discover where you’re thriving and where you’re drifting. Or if you’re ready to have a real conversation about building your intentional legacy, book a call with me.
Let’s stop drifting. Let’s start living.
Reden Dionisio is The Intentionality Coach, a retired Navy Chief, speaker, and trainer who helps high-performing leaders escape drift and build intentional legacies. He’s also a father of two amazing daughters and believes that authentic leadership is the only kind worth pursuing.
